#ItWasMe is most
upsetting to some of the more recent victims of trauma. Maybe my own #MeToo wounds are leathery and worn, but I will do my best. I was deeply saddened last fall at how a
movement I tried to be part of devolved.
This probably is at least part of why I am conflicted about how to share
the many thoughts and feelings I had this week.
I’m hyper aware how delicate and fragile this territory is and I want to be careful, but I feel very
strongly that this conversation is pivotal.
In the aftermath of the presidential election, as I tried to
be engaged and learn how to be a better ally especially for People and Women of
Color, I experienced my own painful awakening.
As a cis-white straight woman I was brought up short by people around me
online attacking my attempts to be an ally.
I was quite frankly shocked by their response. I felt slapped in the face by my own
privilege. I was dismayed at how
inadequate and impotent I felt in the face of so much appropriate outrage. I kept wanting to say things like “How can I
help more, we’re in this together, and we’re on the same side.” It felt like at every turn my weak and insufficient
efforts were met with scorn.
It seems to me that the men saying “#ItWasMe” are possibly
in a similar place, going through a similar painful awakening. Back then, I learned
that asking how I can help is unfair, asking to be educated was just another indication
of my privilege, and asking those around me to bear the emotional labor of my
awakening was unacceptable.
I am hopeful that something radical and important is
changing. I see a dialogue opening up
that has been buried deeply for decades.
I see a possibility for conversation that allows us all to grow more
self-aware and more conscientious. Most
importantly, I see room for more voices to harmonize, unify, magnify and
ultimately (and most importantly) shift things for a better tomorrow.
The #MeToo movement is an opportunity for all victims of sexual assault,
harassment or rape to unify. When the #MeToo
movement began, I hesitated whether to participate or not. I hesitated partly because it feels invasive
and personal. I also hesitated because
it seems redundant. What woman hasn’t? I think it is perhaps unclear whether there
are degrees of sexual harassment, assault, rape, abuse, and also it is such a
public way to treat something that is often so painful or private. In so many cases women and men who have been
victims are re-victimized and re-traumatized by coming forward or by the media
or by the courtroom or the forced retelling of every last detail. So many victims are met with disbelief, or
then their behavior is put on trial to the point that many choose to live in
secret with their pain rather than endure public scrutiny or debate. Part of what made this tidal wave so powerful
is that it was enough to share or comment those two tiny words. #metoo. Some women chose to share vivid details of the horrors
they have survived. Some people whose
wounds were fresh had to remove themselves from social media because they were
finding themselves triggered without warning.
The #MeToo movement is strengthened by including the voices
of all victims. By the same token,
#ItWasMe needs to be allowed to have a voice in this conversation. I am not AT ALL interested in defending
narcissistic sociopaths and their feelings here, but men who are waking up to
their part in the tapestry, and how they have been complicit should have a space
and a voice and also need to be heard. Within
the #MeToo movement there is a debate raging whether to allow male victims of
assault and rape to join in, or whether women shouldn’t be allowed to have the
floor on this one, and have only our voices heard.
While I do understand the importance of gender in this
conversation, my stance is unequivocally that all victims of abuse, assault and
rape should band together. I firmly
believe that admitting that there are some men who are victims too does not
weaken the tidal wave of solidarity…it strengthens it. In fact, I think that as hard as it is for
women to come forward when they have been assaulted or raped it is a hundred or
a thousand times more difficult for a man to state publicly that these things
have happened. Gender does not define
this movement for me, though it is certainly a root issue in an overwhelming (maybe
even staggering) number of cases. We can
reclaim our power best by reclaiming our shared humanity. In my opinion we cannot afford to splinter
now.
This idea is nothing new, even Lincoln said: “United we stand,
divided we fall.” Even longer ago, when
the Romans built the Coliseum, they used strategy to control the
crowd. They knew an out of control mob could
easily overpower an army, so they built thick, insurmountable walls between the
sections.
Picture the segments of a
citrus fruit…and though each section might be unique in many ways, it is all
made of the same fruit. Right now, we
need to remember we are all pulp. The
pulp over there might have been squeezed between her boss and a desk. The pulp over there might have been forced or
coerced by his boyfriend. Abuse can
certainly even happen from a woman to another woman or to a man. #MeToo is powerful because it encompasses all
who have been violated. When we push
another victim down or away and say this is not their time or their movement we
are becoming bullies. It may be coming
out in our grief, but by doing so we are traumatizing another victim rather
than welcoming them to the cause.
As the tidal wave grew, I was initially pleased to hear
about an answering response by many men using the hashtag #ItWasMe. I guess I wasn’t alone. Many women responded to posts like this on
social media positively, feeling heard, feeling men finally joining the
conversation, feeling them come out from behind the silent curtain. There was an immediate impulse to shower
these men with positive reinforcement, to encourage the confession and to want
more and more men to wake up to their own participation in the culture. Many victims were outraged that men were
praised for coming out in a confessional post to state that they had in some
way marginalized or assaulted or violated women, and getting praise for their
courage in admitting that. So this
becomes complex. Immediately. I do not want to defend what they confess in
these posts whatsoever, but this conversation will stall if we squelch this
part of their response to #MeToo. I'm listening...
Here is why…
We are all woven in this messed up tapestry together. Gender roles have been fed to us on all sides
from birth. I grew up on many children’s
books, but one comes to mind that was a favorite: “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein. This book made a deep imprint in my mind and
in my heart at a tender age. I
identified more with the tree than with the boy, because I was a little girl, and
the tree in the story was a she. And she
lovingly and willingly gave the little boy every inch of her being. Shade, her leaves, her apples, her body to
build a home with and as the boy grew older even at the end of his life she was
thrilled to serve him as a seat when all that was left of her was a stump
because he had used her up.
Completely. And I’m afraid I tried
to model myself after this Giving Tree through the course of several of my romantic
relationships. I gave and gave and tried
to be everything he might have wanted.
But the story might have been a metaphor too subtle for a young girl’s
mind, and might have been intended to show a little boy’s gratitude for his
mother, or for the gifts of life, or something else…but it would have been a
totally different experience to read if the title had been “The Taking Boy” and I might have lived my life in vastly
different ways if I had seen it that
way instead.
I appreciate the men who are now waking up to the fact that
they have been Taking Boys. What touches my
heart about this response from men is that they are raw and fresh and
sorry. They can’t help that they are men
in this tapestry, any more than I could help being a cis-white woman with
privilege last fall. But they are waking up. They are reflecting differently on memories
of past encounters. They are asking themselves
the most uncomfortable questions. Did
they press their advantage? Did they
make their desire more important than another person’s boundaries? Did they force someone else to do
something? And in this discomfort, they
are not hiding. They are opening themselves
to criticism, making themselves vulnerable too.
Is it enough?
No. Not by a long shot. But it is a start. And just as I wished my awakening had been
received last fall, I would like to usher them in gently. Firmly.
I would like to encourage them, rather than pile on or punish. It would be easier to dive back under the
covers, but the next step must come, which is to say No More. And to teach our young boys and grown men
about this fabric, and its flaws. It is
time to share the emotional burden of consent.
Women have traditionally been bearing the weight of the outcome, but we
are tired because even when we say no it comes down to what we were wearing,
how much we had to drink, whether we flirted or lead him on or aroused
him. Which is a subtle message that
oppresses men. Yes, you think only women
were oppressed by this tapestry?
No. It paints men as helpless
victims of their sexual urges. As though
there is some kind of tipping point past which he might not be able to help
himself. This is woven in, along with
the guilt-tripping of blue balls and a million other tactics which have worked
on young girls and women (and men) for decades.
While it claims to depict men as strong and women as the weaker sex, in
actuality this tapestry forces women to have all the self-control, and makes it
seem like men are incapable. It is an
awful, unfair and ultimately untrue
depiction.
I’m sure most of you know that assault and rape and
harassment are not about sex - it is so easy to be distracted by this aspect. These acts are about domination, power, and
violation of another human being. And
this, right now, has got to be a tipping point.
All the #ItWasMe awakenings will be needed moving forward. Thank you for joining your voices to the
chorus. Thank you because without your
intention, and your attention, it might have slumbered on being a toxic element
of life for so much longer. Gentlemen,
young boys, and men…we need you to be the allies it is so clear many of you
want to be. This shift cannot happen
without your help. I am optimistic these
vital conversations may change the behavior
between us humans. It is true, a couple
of hashtags cannot be enough. But it
could be the snowball at the top of a mountain, or the threads in the tapestry
that - once pulled - change the picture forever.
