Following (on the dance floor)

When I was untrained as a dancer, I did more dancing on my own than with a partner, and I felt music move me. I enjoyed interpreting different instruments with body movement in general, and the freedom to explore without any boundaries or restrictions. The few times I tried partner dancing, I guess I thought I was instinctively a pretty good follower. I suppose looking back I was one of those ladies I now find somewhat obnoxious who thought they could dance 'as long as he's a strong lead' which is a commonly held misconception.

I may need several posts to truly do this topic justice, or one very long one...bear with me.

Buried in this misconception are probably a whole host of cultural and gender stereotypes, and I do not hope to unravel them all in one go. I may merely shed light on two or three in this post.

First there are the expectations leveled upon men. And second there is the unhelpful stigmas about men who dance. (At least in the majority of US culture, but not the world over.) And third the entitlement or superiority assumed by many (not all) women, which leads to an examination of the cultural expectations of women when it comes to dance.

And last, the golden thread which is my own evolution of perspectives on the lead/follow dynamic in partner dancing, both in my own dancing and as a teacher. I hope to share this portion of my journey with you most of all.

So let me begin with a short description about men, since the title is following after all. In our culture, men are expected to be assertive, to know the way, to be masculine and to generally be in charge. It is common for young boys to be pushed into sports or athletic arenas, but not so much with music or dancing (I know, such broad strokes, bear with me, I know there are many exceptions). Whereas, by and large young girls are pushed into ballet, tap, jazz or some other form of dance. This leads to an imbalance of exposure culturally, which leads to unhealthy expectations. So many women come in understanding how their body can respond to the outside stimulus of music, where men are often coordinated within themselves but not necessarily used to conforming to an external metronome (the beat)...layer on top of that the ladies are used to dancing directly with the music and now they have to wait for the man, and we have ourselves a hot mess.

So ladies have to realise at any given moment we could have up to three leaders to follow on a lesson or in a class, and on the dance floor two. Who are all these leaders you ask? Well...in a class or on a lesson there's your teacher, your partner and your music. If one of those is out of sync with the other two, she has to determine which leader is most important in that moment. I'll give you a hint ladies, the music is always last on the list, even if you hear it better than both your partner and your teacher. Which I do understand can cause cognitive dissonance, frustration or for the finely tuned it can just feel terrible. Dancing off time together is still your better option and this is why: what we are trying to achieve on the dance floor is a living breathing creature with four legs, four arms, two hearts, and one mind in charge at a time. It can, at a higher level, become a dialogue where both voices can be exchanging ideas back and forth, but if you argue in the beginning it just brings up the worst insecurities (in and out of your own relationship, on and off the dance floor) and this noise and chaos turns into a tug of war or battle of wills or turns your teacher into a referee to call who was 'right' which is all beside the point. As I said, it is my opinion that while timing is *important* it should never be placed above partnership.

This is not to say the lady's role is passive or subservient or subordinate. This was my second misconception, which I'm afraid I held for at least the first year and a half of teaching. In fact, I was so blown away (learning how to lead myself) by just how much he has on his plate. Patterns, timing, navigating, when to lead which variation so she is neither bored nor dizzy, how to jump in at the right time with the music, etc. I thought I was very compassionate, but it was my perception that he had the lion's share of responsibility. To be honest, that is probably more visibly the case until we get our social basics under our belt...after that it really equalises or tips the other way a bit, in terms of the pressure of continuity. Following can feel to a novice lady like a pass/fail test from step to step, pattern to pattern or depending on the speed of the music or any number of variables. That's the worst feeling, we hate failing on any part of any test, so when we say try it again, it's cause we want a redemption round, not because we are trying to verbally lead you. The continuity of any dance is probably fifty/fifty responsibility-wise...at least that's what one of my teachers told me, when he felt me waiting passively to be placed. He asked me to dance him back, which sounded so strange, and at first I didn't understand what he meant. Dancing him back is a way of being present...an active response back to him letting him know that I got the message, and am on balance ready to receive his next suggestion. If I merely follow, he can't tell without looking which foot I'm on or whether I executed an action...if I actively follow he is getting sensory reassurance that we're still connected, and I'm listening. In following it is possible to have too 'heavy' or 'light' of a connection (side note, never tell a partner they feel heavy, are dancing heavy, or anything...just avoid the term, it just causes issues, fights, tears, etc)

I am sure I have merely scratched the surface of my own thoughts on this topic, but that will do for a start.

Why Most Men Learn to Dance

At the risk of offending someone, I am going to make up a percentage here and say that 95% of men who learn to ballroom or partner dance do it for a woman. Or maybe women, plural.

He is either trying to appeal to women in general so he can woo them or take them home or date them anyway. Or he is hoping to please, impress, or appease a particular woman.

I know it's a sweeping generalisation, but I think I'm probably right. If anything the percentage might be too low. I know there is a small and valient contingency of men who enjoy learning for its own sake or for themselves. Some artistic expressive choreographer is presently annoyed with me for making this statement.

Oh wait, they'll probably never read this anyway.

Back to my train of thought.

So the single women in the dance scene are doing the same thing, kind of. They might be open to the idea of dating, or even enjoy the flirtatious nature of the partner dance scene. Maybe some ladies are even on the prowl. On the whole, though, I would say more women are content to dance for the sake of dancing rather than as a means to an end. Since I'm making up percentages I'll say 40% of women are in it to find a man for dating/relationships/sex, and the rest are there to dance. Again, maybe someone will disagree. Or be annoyed that I'm making up statistics. But this is my post so I can do as I please.

Anyway, I have something on my mind about couples. First a message to the ladies who have a partner who is willing to learn to dance with or for you: How many years of nagging, whining, begging, hinting, complaining, etc did it take to get him to agree to take lessons or classes with you/for you?? If you can't smile, shut up and be grateful once he's here you will nag him right back out the door. Rome was not built in a day, and he already knows he's not leading you yet...you do not need to announce it to the room or your teacher or even whisper it in his ear. He gets a million boyfriend or husband points for even making it to the lesson.

Women...sometimes I just wonder how those ladies would respond to themselves. My guess is she wouldn't put up with it nearly as well as some of these long-suffering, sweet, patient boyfriend/husband types.

Studio Culture

I'm sure others will nod along as they read this one because you don't have to be a dancer or teacher to understand. Being a part of a dance studio is nothing short of having a big extended family. I had a small family unit as a child, so this is a rich environment for me.

In a family, there are members who don't see eye to eye, people who disagree on important topics, avoid one another or fight, and some who are quirky or a little "out there." At the end of the day, lucky families manage to at least gather for holidays and break bread. We have some tensions, we have some elegant topic changes, we dance around certain issues. At a studio, we are full of colorful personalities ranging the entire spectrum from introverts and extroverts and closet extroverts and varying degrees of confidence in life and varying degrees of confidence in their own dancing. We see and engage in so much interaction both verbal and non-verbal each day. And we talk over interactions that happen, analyze and mine for meaning. We joke, we laugh, we cry, we tease. We are sincere, and we care deeply about each other, each client. If we hear someone ever sounding unkind, we try to help build more context so compassion can thrive.

We have a daily routine, and then we are flexible and in the moment make adjustments based on who calls or walks in. I joke to all my friends and family who ask, I often say "It's never the same day twice, and yet it's the same old same old" because there are rhythms to studio life. I'm sure I will share more about this in future.

At the basis of the whole thing, human relationships are what sustain any studio. Or perhaps they are the underpinnings of society in general, and I've just been blessed to experience the whole thing in the context of a ballroom, to see both literal and figurative dances in my professional environment.

If I choose to share specific stories, I promise I will change names, and might change or combine events to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent) involved...

Salsa Clubs; A Dancer's Rant

I'm on a ranting roll...so here we go...

Mild stuff to begin:
While I appreciate good hygiene (some guys need deodorant!!) my overall impression is that most guys are wearing more than enough cologne. In some isolated cases I didn't mind smelling his cologne even after I showered...but as a whole, TOO MucH of a good thing is just Too MUCH! Save some cologne for next week, too!!

Next...the pointy shoes. I don't really get it, but ok, they are the current "it" trend...and I don't mind them UNTIL you insist on holding me so close that I have no option but to kick my bare toe against your pointy shoe. Know the dimension of your shoes, and budget enough space for them so I don't get hurt, please...or wear normal shoes!

Next...thumbs...heaven help the next man that uses his thumbs to leverage/lead/squeeze or rub! Opposable thumbs are amazing and useful, but not necessary to lead me!

Lovely.

Next...the tricky subject of timing. I HONESTLY would rather do basic patterns and combinations on a steady timing (123,567 Or 234,678...I'm still learning On2, it's hard for me to move my slow) consistently...rather than be on 1 until the spin combo you picked up in class and suddenly we are on 3, and I have to keep switching the timing.

Do I sound mean? Demanding? Snobby? I really don't mean to...

Last little thing...realize that she may be tired, off balance, drenched in sweat, have wet shoes, a strapless shirt/dress, forgotten to wear dance pants, had one too many drinks, had a bad day at work or broken up with her boyfriend...so DON'T ASSUME it's you. If she doesn't smile, telling her she should smile won't cheer her up, nor will her fake smile soothe your bruised ego.

It could be a million things, and if 5 months later she smiles and asks you to dance, that might not be the time to exact your revenge for one bad dance.

This will need some editing in about an hour...but it sure feels good to publish (even just for a little while)


*Confession: I actually wrote this rant about three and a half years ago...Most if not all of it is still valid, which is why I'm posting it as is for now. Also I'm told it makes for funny reading, so I hope that is true. :)

Ode to West Coast Swing

West coast swing,
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...

Each song we dance
Presents a chance
To be a different me!

My inner pop&locker
Can visit for a song
Then my hidden rocker
Can do no wrong

Another could arrive
And my sensual side will come alive
And together we slide...

My inner Bobby Brown
Can mingle with your Michael Jackson
We came to get down
And now we are relaxin'

One moment can inspire
A lyrical dance expression
Another can require
A physical digression

A hop, a slip, a hip, a rock,
And stop. (Musical break)

Besides each partner there is also each song,

Before too long

You feel like Robin Williams doing stand-up...!!

How many ways are there I can say,
This dance allows me to be all my selves and also play.

It is more than just *a* dance...

It allows for the plurality of humanity...and through connection with each partner (and maybe performance art too) it unifies us.

Dancing Subcultures (A general guide is begun)

I am a pretty seasoned dancer at this point, and have a lot to say on the subject.

I will share some disclaimers along the way, but the biggest disclaimer is that these are my opinions, perceptions and thoughts based on my experience. I reserve the right to be educated, open-minded, and above all I reserve the right to change my mind.

I'm sure I will say some offensive things in the process.

Ok, so I will talk about at least four subcultures:

Ballroom
Salsa
West Coast Swing
Argentine Tango


It's possible I might throw something in about the country scene at some point, but less likely.

I will try to describe them each in very unforgiving broad strokes this first post, but the first thing I should share is that I absolutely respect and love each culture for different reasons and they have all added to my colorful life.

Ballroom needs to be divided in my mind into three categories. There is studio life, which of course has both students and teachers. There is social scene in the Real World. And there is the competitive training scene, which again is divided in my mind into pro/am and pro/pro categories.

Salsa will mostly be about the club scene, both the dancing and the social aspect though something about the shows and congresses might sneak in.

WC Swing will mostly be about the conventions I've been to, which all have both social dancing and competition plus many classes...

Argentine Tango will be about the scene and the teaching as well...

Actually teaching styles/methods/personalities will be a thread anyway, I can't help it. And so will lead/follow.

I will tag the dance topic posts as "adventures in dance" until I learn a new or better way of sorting...but for now I suppose I will just let you be warned that I have a lot to say on all these topics!