Exes

I remember some of my exes with fondness, and some with varying degrees of regret. In all honesty, I feel lucky to have been in most of those relationships for at least the growth and self-discovery and so on.

But I will share this fun fact.

I still cyber-stalk two of my exes. (occasionally)

The two that cheated on me.

I'm sure it's unhealthy by someone's standards. My reasons for doing it have shifted, but I still peak at their facebooks now and then.

When I do, it doesn't feel twisted like it did in the beginning. When I did originally, it was myspace...yeah, remember that? And it used to torture my soul to see him change his background and profess his love so publicly for her, especially when he had never done those things for me. It was a delicious and indulgent sort of self-torture to compulsively check his page when we first ended. I got such a twisted sense of elation and schadenfreude when she broke his heart and he changed his background and his status...and even more evil joy when I heard he got evicted...and fired...so much of my need for revenge was assuaged by this internet surveillance.

It has calmed and slowed and I go many months on end without even thinking of him, or him...but it was so weird that when my other relationship ended also many years ago by now I took up the habit again, but this time checked on both of them. And now, every so often, I get bitten by a curious need to look...to see...I don't know...maybe are they married, or did they move out of the state, or did they post something personal or who knows why...what I hope to see or find.

perhaps this compulsion will one day disappear altogether. and I use the term compulsion for the mere fact that once it occurs to me to look, I can find no compelling argument not to satisfy the urge, so I look. maybe I will try to control the urge next time it pops up just to see if it's difficult. as I said, it only happens maybe once a year anymore. I'm not worried about it. I'm not sure I care enough to make myself not do it.

I guess in a way I'm almost always curious about all my exes...in most cases I truly wish them well...

just a rambling overshare tonight, I'm afraid. No point to make, no confession or absolution...

Do you wonder about exes? Do you cyber-stalk any of them? Or am I the only honest weirdo...?