Can You Picture Me Doing Stand-Up Comedy?

I guess I should explain a little. I loved theater, acting, improv and such in my younger days. I'm sure I would have loved musical theater if I ever felt confident about singing. I have performance anxiety, the dreams about forgetting all my lines or not remembering my cue. But I also get a rush from being on stage. I have to work up my courage or be in the right mood to go door to door asking for donations for a good cause or make cold calls.

So this year my friend and I have gone to see stand-up comedy a handful of times, and each time we were noticing there were only men in the line up. It got us both wondering...but it got me thinking about my material. What would I talk about if I ever did stand up? Would it appeal to both genders? (Some of the guys, while funny, were only relating to guys...) I don't know if I will ever have the courage to actually stand up in front of a group of people and try to get them to laugh. (That's a lot of pressure, people...I mean I can say something funny spontaneously and get a response because humor is unexpected and so on. But when you go to a comedy club stand-up show there are Expectations!)

But if I did, here's a little piece I've been imagining:

"I'd like to give a little disclaimer here, folks. It's my first time trying stand-up and I'm a little nervous you might not laugh. But it got me thinking (I do that a lot) about all the professions you would never want to know it was their first time. And yet first times must be had by all, n'est-ce pas?

Here's an example; Welcome aboard flight 9723 on route to Chicago, folks. I'll be your pilot today and it's my first time!
Or how about when your anesthesiologist has you counting backwards, and you overhear the surgeon telling the nurse it's his first time.

So anyway, at least the worst thing that could happen if I bomb this today is you won't laugh and I might cry and nobody dies so yay.

I already mentioned that I think too much, so here we go. I'd like to have a chat with the programmers behind the automatic flushing toilets in public restrooms. First because it is not very environmentally sound, but also because if the damn thing is so sensitive that it flushes before I am even done hanging my purse on the hook why on earth can't I get the sink to flow for me to wash my hands after without doing a new dance called "wave every angle under the faucet?!" I mean, let's go there. I'm hanging my purse and it flushes, I'm hovering delicately, hoping it won't flush again until I'm done and it flushes, and then I have to wipe down any splash back. I know, I know...but let's get the people who made *those* censors to help the faucet people. PS I hate not being able to adjust the temperature on the faucet.

Men do have it easier. I'm not gonna lie, I'm jealous about the peeing. Y'all can write your name in the snow. That's one of my favorites. But also it's so much easier and faster for you to pee in the bushes, into a cup in a moving car, or even out the window. And you never have a line. And let's talk about the easy access clothing, zippers, slits, everything is designed to make peeing fast and efficient and convenient and comfortable. We have things like bathing suits, leotards and ball gowns, all of which require complete disrobing in order to pee. Not to mention if the floor is  wet, and we're hoping it's water people, the disrobing is complicated by efforts to not get said clothing dirty. Then there's all the aforementioned hovering, and getting nylons back on and getting dressed, and the stupid faucet dance, so guys now you don't have to wonder why it takes us so long anymore.

Alright, well we all survived my first time, so remember to wash your hands...if you can."

So there you have it. Hope it made you laugh, dear reader. :)