I suppose we are all seeking validation on some level, so maybe I should ease up. Right now I'm filled with judgment that I seem to place such high value on something so beyond myself, my control, my influence. How could my self-worth be puffed up or deflated by my perception of how I am received by another? Or whether I feel acceptance in general from a certain group that I admire or respect? How dare I place so much weight or meaning on an external judge?
shouldn't self-worth be intrinsic and unshakeable?
Why isn't mine? Is there something wrong with me?
Are others equally riddled with self-doubt, insecurities, fears of rejection and just much better at hiding them? Because it looks that way from here...actually from here it looks like they are confident so maybe they really aren't plagued by these questions or they are better actors.
Aren't I a good little actress too, though?
I smile, I laugh, I suffer in privacy not in public...perhaps I have some of them fooled, but not me.
How can I turn this around, remember to fall back in love with me-ness, forgive the weakest parts, embrace my whole self -- "warts" and all?
I ebb and flow into and out of ease with these thoughts...
You know where I stand on this...
ReplyDeleteWe are all actors, in some regard, but the key is to finding the group of people that support us for who we are so we have an ever decreasing need to play the part.
I'm a little choked up, because I'm grateful for the people I do have around me that are supportive, and also at the same time the void of need sometimes seems so vast it feels like nothing (no amount of love/acceptance) would be enough to satisfy the beast but then I almost immediately judge myself for being ungrateful/needy...viscious
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