Tug of War

She's so stubborn, willful, bossy and filled with confidence in her point of view. It makes my blood boil sometimes with rage and fury and the need to prove her wrong, prove a point, or even just in opposing her prove my strength too. She is a worthy adversary, because she is often right.

I get small satisfaction as a young girl, when she has chided me for talking with food in my mouth, as I catch her doing the same. When you are so filled with righteousness, it is important not to be caught violating those same principles. Her knowledge of language and words is so vast, it is truly a challenge to find fault or correct, and when I begin to score she half-admiringly says my new nick name will be William Sapphire, which of course is a reference that is new to me and she once again has the upper hand.

Much of our time together was peaceful, don't get me wrong. But she stirred in me a beast that breathes the same fire she does, with iron will and stubborn grit, and a streak of independence a mile long. She was judgmental at times, and also sometimes a little unkind. I found my voice in fighting back sometimes. She tested and quizzed and helped me define my stance.

I was staying at her place once and trying to decide what to have for lunch, and there was jelly or tuna, and I decided to combine them in one sandwich. I insisted I would eat it and she told me it would be disgusting and I shouldn't waste food. I ate every bit of that really gross sandwich, and it took me almost ten years to admit to her how gross it had been...when I did she giggled and said she knew.

We were thick as thieves, and shared secrets sometimes. She was a great ally in life, talking sense about saving for the future, and without her help I'm not sure I could have gone to the college of my choosing. She supported me and cheered my successes, she was there for me in times of stress. The first phone call I ever got from my father happened in her kitchen, and she was there to offer her support.

I know she was proud of me. I hope she saw a little something of herself in me. We had a special bond, for sure. Our complex and layered relationship meant so much to me.

I love you, Grandma...